Who are we serving?

We just can’t afford it.

How many times as a non-profit leader have I thought this, wrote this, said this to my team? It’s not that it isn’t true- it often is. So many non-profits are chronically underfunded, chasing project grant after project grant, trying to find ways to fundraise with no dedicated development staff, searching endlessly for new funding opportunities – and never truly having enough. With poor systemic solutions a and support across endless issues, many of us are trying our best to bail out sinking boats which just keep filling with water. That isn’t to say that the work isn’t impactful, meaningful, or creating change- but that there is seemingly always more water, and little foundational support to address the flow. Many of us try (and even succeed), in changing the systems, but it’s not even just one long road, it’s a maze of paths, of relentless advocacy, of strategy, and so much more, to successfully compel sustainable systemic change. 

I could write for hours about the funding gaps, about the downloading of systemic responsibilities onto non-profits without appropriate funding and support- but not tonight. Tonight I want to start a conversation about my own accountability, about leadership and choices within a structure where funding is limited. 

Here’s the thing, “we just can’t afford it” is an easy answer. It’s an answer which is well understood in many non-profit leadership spaces and teams. It’s also an answer which truly undermines and ignores my own power as a leader. It fails to recognize the reality that I create the budgets, I present them to my board, I generally decide which grants we pursue and which projects will be within that application, I direct our donations, I choose which aspects of the work to highlight to donors. This sounds wildly conceited, and of course I have board approvals, team input, grant parameters I have to work within, external impacts, and a number of other influencing factors. I really do not wish to be the kind of leader who actually independently makes all of those choices. However, I also can’t ignore how much power I have in all of this, how much I can shape where and how we spend.

This leads me to a perhaps seemingly unrelated question I use in response to “we just can’t afford it,”

Who are we serving?

There are many angles from which to discuss non-profit budgeting- employee compensation is a big one to return to- but this idea of “who are we serving?” is one which I hope to base my work on as much as possible. To be more concrete and less vague, in a previous role, I was looking at options to make our services more accessible from a physical mobility standpoint. I priced out options for accessible equipment, changes to our entrance and, and other access needs. I then started applying for grants to make these changes and waited to move forward, hoping to have success with at least one funder.  When our grants came back declined, I looked at the plans for change and ultimately said “we just can’t afford it.”  

“We just can’t afford it” absolves me from any responsibility, allows me to maintain a belief personally and publicly that I AM trying, but the funders are just letting us down, or the system is just broken. Again, these things aren’t untrue, and the frustration that so many of us in leadership feel is valid. But, I also don’t get to walk away and pretend that I have zero control over any of this. It’s a privilege to be in a leadership role, to be trusted, to hope that I can serve the communities  I care so deeply about well. At some point, I have to take accountability for where and how funds are spent, and who we end up serving, or even being able to serve, as a result of that. We didn’t get that grant funding, but I also didn’t choose to move money around, or to make other organizational changes to allow for the funds to work on our accessibility. I know, I know, it’s not that simple – funds come with parameters, and complexities, and truly non-profit budgeting is a bit of a wild balancing act. But I do make choices. And there are many times when organizationally I wouldn’t have made another choice- it’s not uncommon to be stuck between unbelievably important priorities, making decisions which feel impossible. But that’s the thing, they may feel impossible, but I’m still making choices, even when it doesn’t feel like it. And I don’t get to hide from that. 

The question of “who are we serving?” can be considered in many ways. I have primarily worked in reproductive and sexual health, as well as gender-based violence prevention, so the underlying question I’m often considering is  “are we serving only women, only white women, only able bodied women” etc. Spending is only one aspect of who we serve: there are many, many factors which impact who is able to access, and truly safe to do so. While I have influence in many of these areas, the reality is that finances are a foundational aspect of being able to deliver services.

Being transparent, even with myself, about where I have and have not prioritized spending, is helping to positively complicate my values as a leader, to create more nuance in decisions, and to invite more honest feedback all around. I need to be able to say, “I did make a choice here.” I made a choice which perhaps meant we could see even more clients in general, but also meant that we weren’t able to see some clients with access needs. It feels essential to me to become more open in having accountability around this, and continuing to acknowledge my power. 

When I reflect on this particular decision, and many after, my first gut reaction at times is guilt and defensiveness- we didn’t have the money, we couldn’t afford it, I was doing my best. I feel shame for letting down my fellow disabled folks, and not finding a solution. But those feelings are not particularly productive, and I’m finding ways to work through them.  I can be honest about where my leadership work needs to grow, where I can do better, how I can do better.

I can ask myself every single day, “who are we serving?”